We buried our son this weekend.
His name was Shiloh and he never took his first breath, never saw our faces and never experienced the touch of our hands. We held his small frame in our hands in disbelief. We are both in good shape, we have two healthy children and live a clean lifestyle so how could this happen? Did something preventable cause this? Will it happen again? We aren’t the first to ask these questions and we will not be the last. Whether it be 8 weeks in the womb or 40 years walking the earth no parent should have to struggle through the loss of a child.
As a dad I find myself struggling through a slurry of emotions though overwhelmingly I’m angry. I’m not mad at my wife or God, I’m mad at the situation. I’m mad at the miscarriage. I hate that we have to go through this. I hate the loss of life. I hate that I’m never going to teach this boy and raise him to love God and fight for the injustices of this world. This is the most difficult kind of anger for me. I have nothing to lash out against but the loss of life through a completely natural means. I say natural as it wasn’t because of a disease, trauma or neglect but miscarriage is *not* natural, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I find myself in a mode I’m all to familiar with: Take care of my wife and kids and push through it because there is no other choice. We’ve been grateful for family offering to watch the kids, bring over meals and clean the house but they can’t be here 24/7. With my wife still physically recovering it’s been left up to me to run the house and try my best to process through the grief in those rare quiet moments. I’ve relied a lot on the iPad. We don’t normally let our son watch cartoons in his pajamas all day. He doesn’t normally have cereal for every meal. This is “survival mode“.
I know that my heart will learn to heal over time and that the memory will fade over time but never be lost. For now I’m taking it a day at a time and enjoying the life I get to share with the kids I do have. We may never have a full answer as to *why* this happened but we trust that God will use this experience to bring healing to others and further His kingdom.
“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” 1 Peter 5:10 NLT